to go or not to go

decisions, decisions. been thinking quite abit about how it would be like to leave home and study abroad these few weeks, with everyone planning/leaving for SEP or going back for studies. im (most likely) going to the Land of Smiles in about 2 months' time for my own experience of "studying abroad", leaving everything i have and i am behind for 5/6 weeks.

and how that thought pulls the floor out from underneath from me. i am surprised to think that i would feel apprehensive about leaving home because for so many years i have been dreaming of that. how it would be like to spend a substantial amount of time overseas, being the someone that you would want to be but couldnt have the chance or space to be. but you know, dreams change. ideals change. what matters can change in a twinkling of the eye, what more over years. the thought of leaving home and my position at home for more than a month worries me alot. it sounds like i have a very important place at home, and i think, whether i like it or not, it is indeed true. what would happen to my sis, my mum, who would do the dishes who would do the laundry who would vacuum the floor/wash the fan. but i also know that it (may be/is) necessary for me to go because i cannot always be there for them. sooner or later, the forces of life will happen and things will change, this configuration which we are comfortable with now would have to change. as much as i dont want to, its not really up to me to decide.

to make matters more complicated, if i go to Thailand, i would have to give up so many things. mei's graduation, our birthdays, glenda being back, my church friend's wedding, church camp cos it clashes (for now), going to korea with my aunts and cousins and family, learning korean, just time to chillax in singapore.. now that i make a list, it really seems like i shouldnt go. but the other side that i pulling me is the unique experience that i will get being in a foreign land for an extended period of time, the culture, the fun, the challenge, the being away, independence and learning to put things down are important things that i do want to experience. but for now, it is a split between the head and the heart.

which is itself a very unusual conversation for me to be in. and i realise that it is because what used to not matter much to me now really does matter. i cannot not bother about family and just throw everything down. i realise how Jesus has re-adjust me priorities to see what really is important and what really is valuable in this life. you could have billions but if you dont have family, you are a very poor man.

"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths" (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

i just know my part is not to plan and strategise and think of all the possible outcomes and situations and weighing of pros and cons. my part is to acknowledge Jesus and just simply tell Him my concerns and worries. and after telling Him, leave it in His hands, dont take it back. and he will guide me to the path that is best for me.