so far so good

hey yo! coming to you from Mae Sod, the westernmost town in Thailand, right beside Myanmar-Thai border. just a quite update for you and a for a record for myself for what has happened over these past 2 weeks.

the initial part of Field Studies (FS) was shit hard. couldnt sugar coat it in anyway, plus all the getting to know you small talk just sucked the life out of me so much so that i really wanted to take the next flight back home.. but i guess, the hardest and shitiest part has past me, and the remaining journey ahead looks brighter and better.    im growing in academic ways, such as learning to think out of the box and stand out in a good way amongst the crowd of projects/assignments; learning to step out and ask people questions/ do interviews, having a feeling scared like shit but still do it scared anyway attitude; learning to look, observe things that are happening around me through academic eyes. im also learning as a person to not be dependent on people's opinion on me, or what i think people's opinion of me is; im learning to have a Christ-esteem, one that is robust and strong, separate from the esteem of man.

the helpers said that the journey ahead up to Mae Hong Son will be really life-changing and i wouldnt come back the same way. i have already seen and felt and experienced so many things that i wouldnt have if i have never came for FS. not everything is pleasant and easy and fun, and it is so easy and convenient to want out, to tune out. but then i remind myself that hey i would never get to experience this ever again in my life, if im here, then i should get the most out of this, without losing my peace and sense of identity and who i am as a Jesus girl.

of course, i want to go home as soon as possible, but in the mean time, i will depend on Jesus' abundant supply of grace, favour, wisdom and boldness to take me through this battle. thank You Lord for keeping me as the apple of Your eye, hiding me in Your wings (Psalm 17:8). counting down to 16 June! :)

bye home!

so this is what i have managed so far. actually 90% of the work my aunt did for me heehee. thank God for her, i would be a lost donkey without her packing all these stuff into that relatively small haversack. a few more things to shove, literally, in, and i would be good to go. even though its only 5 weeks, it feels like i would be away for so much longer.. like 5 months or something. im such a baby haha. believing God that it would be an awesome trip, learning and making friends. and that He will take care of this family while im away. still, will miss home. may be a bit too much haha. hope nothing would change when i come back, or at least change for the better, would hate to return home for things to be strange and awkward. but also believing God to take care of my relationships that while even when im away, He takes cares of my loved ones.

till then friends!

introvert advantage(?)

an interesting article i read a number of months back. it is a refreshing look, for lack of a better word, on us introverts, and how dominant and commonplace the personality of an extrovert has been imposed on introverts, when we are really very different breed of people. a good different. read on.

http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts

10 Myths About Introverts

I wrote this list in late-2008. Around that time, I was lucky enough to discover a book called, The Introvert Advantage (How To Thrive in an Extrovert World), by Marti Laney, Psy.D. It felt like someone had written an encyclopedia entry on a rare race of people to which I belong. Not only had it explained many of my eccentricities, it helped me to redefine my entire life in a new and productive context.

Sure, anyone who knows me would say, “Duh! Why did it take you so long to realize you’re an Introvert?” It’s not that simple. The problem is that labeling someone as an Introvert is a very shallow assessment, full of common misconceptions. It’s more complex than that.

A section of Laney’s book (page 71 through page 75) maps out the human brain and explains how neuro-transmitters follow different dominant paths in the nervous systems of Introverts and Extroverts. If the science behind the book is correct, it turns out that Introverts are people who are over-sensitive to Dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them. Conversely, Extroverts can’t get enough Dopamine, and they require Adrenaline for their brains to create it. Extroverts also have a shorter pathway and less blood-flow to the brain. The messages of an Extrovert’s nervous system mostly bypass the Broca’s area in the frontal lobe, which is where a large portion of contemplation takes place.

Unfortunately, according to the book, only about 25% of people are Introverts. There are even fewer that are as extreme as I am. This leads to a lot of misunderstandings, since society doesn’t have very much experience with my people. (I love being able to say that.)

So here are a few common misconceptions about Introverts (not taken directly from the book, but based on my own life experience):

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

“You cannot escape us, and to change us would lead to your demise.” <-- I made that up. I'm a screenwriter.

It can be terribly destructive for an Introvert to deny themselves in order to get along in an Extrovert-Dominant World. Like other minorities, Introverts can end up hating themselves and others because of the differences. If you think you are an Introvert, I recommend you research the topic and seek out other Introverts to compare notes. The burden is not entirely on Introverts to try and become "normal." Extroverts need to recognize and respect us, and we also need to respect ourselves.

Let me know your thoughts.

-Carl.

k-ramblings #2

warning: this is a fangirl post.

OMG Gongyoo is gonna be acting in a drama and hitting the small screen sooooooonn! :D if you still dont know who gongyoo is, shame on you. just kidding. i would have wrote incessantly about him, about a year ot two ago hhaa. so yes! nothing is gonna beat him as Hankyul in Coffee Prince. NOTHING. but i hope something would happen out of this drama, not one of those dime a dozen dramas. though the casting is proving to be pretty odd and a potential mismatch. ok, minjung and gongyoo still acceptable, though in my opinion not the best casting that could have been done. the director should have picked someone more obscure or less 'fixed' and expected. and Suzy of Miss A, seriously??? just because she acted in Dream High doesnt mean she can act. again, thought the casting could have been less 'expected'.

but if all fails, i might still watch everything as a true blue fan would, just for watching what kind of progress (or digress) gongyoo has made. if that fails, i always have my drama first love of Hankyul to fall back on, so all is well and good! :)

i just ordered, my friend is gonna order together for me, his Dogani DVD. or a more undestandable translation, the movie title is called 'Silenced'. it shook Korea during the weeks that it was on their big screens, because it was so controversial and because it is a real life story. the movie stirred all kinds of anger amongst koreans that they rallied for a change in the law of sex offence that puts physically disabled people at a disadvantage. too much detail to cover, and i have not watched it yet so i cannot pass my judgement on how the show itself is. but juts purely based on how it has managed to effect almost immediate change in legislation must say something about its influence. gonna get a new dvd player, cos mine doesnt play all the new forms of dvd that are categorised by regions/zones. looking forward to watching this in the comforts of my home :)  once again, i am persuaded by the power of movies/dramas to change. yay! :)

work in progress

here it comes, the ugliness of the flesh, the stink of self-righteousness, the painful sharpening.

its all happening together. when pastor said that sharpening is painful, i didnt really believe his words, until right now. ohman, everything that i hate about myself, everything that gets me sad and mad, everything that stretches me and tests my limited patience, everything that is difficult, has all come together. my poor self-esteem, my insecurities, my limitations, my self-righteousness, my ego, my impatience, my incapabilities, are all showing themselves up. but it is necessary. because in order to remove the 'self' in me, i must come to the end of my 'self'. until i cry "O wretched man that i am, who can deliver me?" as Peter did, the Lord is not done with me. i know He loves me too much for me to stay the way that im now, thats why the pruning. but cant it be less painful? :(

take today. i KNOW (in my head) that my boss is just being anal about things BUT i know (in my spirit) that this is a test, a washing, a pruning away of my sense of self-righteousness and my ego, my inability to say sorry, even though it could well be my fault. and the fact that i didnt truly submit, shows that i still have a long way to go before the Lord is finish with me. dont worry people, its not like im struck with disease or whatever or im being 'punished', this is just my DaddyGod disciplining and correcting his daughter, just like any loving father would want unhealthy behaviour to be cast out of her life.

that said, im looking forward to the more well-polished and refined product after all this is done. and that product can only look more and more like the altogether lovely Jesus. which can never be lousy, of a lower standard. to be like Jesus is to be steel and velvet, meekness and majesty, strong but not overbearing, gentle but not soft.

see you New & Improved Cheryl, after this is all done..

hi, its me again. i have nothing important to say, just that if i had a time remote controller now, i would definitely fast forward these 3 weeks, jump straight into exams, get it over and done with, and prepare myself mentally to go to krungtheep! AND then come back home to go to church camp (i hope!) and to korea (hopefully too!). then take a nice breather, and then jump right into YEAR 3! i dont know why im so excited to want to go to Year 3, i think because i think its gonna be fun. and it would surely, im gonna do Korean 2, fingers crossed, im gonna do Geographies of Social Life, tough but rewarding, and Soci of Body & Ageing, which i foresee myself enjoying, and so many more! but its like a cycle i find myself in, wanting to finish this irritating last few weeks of the sem and then play and then anticipate the awesome sem ahead. but i would prefer to not feel like im always in this cycle. so im believing for a greater revelation on redeeming time!

ok thanks for listening to me ramble, now time for some sweet sweet sleep.

really?

those were the days when i get shrouded by the darkness in me, fears and insecurities. those were the days when a look could make or break me, when a withheld expression can crush me, when an expressed one can elate me. those were terrible days because my 'happiness' was always dependent on other people, and the self/flesh in me, and that, never gave solid security.

i know that im bought at a great price, i was crafted and knitted together in my mother's womb by God Himself, that before the foundations of the world, He chose me. i know that im found in Jesus and im as precious as how much Jesus was willing to die for me.

but sometimes, moments of days, like today, i dont have much strength to believe in these beautiful promises.

maybe i just need to sleep. and tomorrow will always be better.