sometimes, i really dont understand why You would want me to be in leadership, Lord. in and of myself, im SO AFRAID of people, to the point where i just freeze upon interacting with people. i really just hate being with people, especially if we are all new to each other and just met. i really really feel so weak in this area. but time and again, You want me to step out. WHY? why dont You give me something easier to do Lord? why dont You call me to something that doesnt require so much stretching? any other person would do right?

despite being this age, i STILL have issues with the fear of man. i still am afraid to meet new people, im still so weak in making friends, im still so weak in anything related to people.

i know i SHOULD have been myself. but i just felt so tightly squeezed, i didnt even think about relying on You. i was trying so hard to make my weakness into a strength and portray that i dont have that weakness. the very thing that Pastor was talking about at the last sermon. i tried to psyche myself that i didnt have that, that i was already over that, that im too old for that. but the truth is, no matter how much i have 'grown', it will always be a part of me. then how? it is not for me to try and psyche it away, but rather, just acknowledging that it is my weakness. AND allow the Lord's plus to come into that area. allow the Lord's grace that was tablenacling over me then to just flow. but i was restricting the flow with my unbelief and fear. i just couldnt believe that there was grace for my situation, since this is the millionth time that im facing this stupid issue. i just forgot in that moment, that grace is for the undeserving.

the thing is not to try and psyche it away. not to pretend that i dont have that weakness. not to try and make it appear like a weakness. that is hypocrisy. that is pretending to be someone that im not. and the Lord hates hypocrisy. because He loves the person. He wants the person to feel accepted JUST AS HE IS. the Lord wants me to be accepted JUST AS I AM. why didnt i believe it? it's time to have right believing. its time to think and believe right. that I CAN BE JUST AS I AM AND NOT TRY TO BE STRONG WHEN IM NOT because the Lord ACCEPTS ME JUST AS I AM. i need to get this truth to sink into my head and my spirit man, even though i have told myself this probably for the millionth time.

believe right. and live right.