a different cny

this cny is different. a good different.

i used to hate cnys. i hated anything with many people and my extended family is big, 27 of us. i hated anyone who speaks loudly and my family has many of them. most of all, i hated how awkward and stupid i was with my cousins and aunties. cny reminded me of everything that i wanted but couldnt have of a family and everything that i didnt want in a family but was stuck with. being fat and ugly, my aunties would taunt me about my weight and why i wasnt as ___ as ____, why this why that, why i was a sinner even though i didnt do anything wrong. it was a terrible few days for many years.

but these years, things have gone progressively better. and more precious. as with every part of my life as a growing young adult, im more than grateful that something that i thought i would have to live with for the rest of my life is at last, different. its at last, meaningful, important because i believe its important, precious because i know all of our days are numbered. it is, at last, good.

on one side of my family tree, things arent were never pretty and picture-perfect. but im glad that despite all of their disagreements and disappointments with each other, my dad and his sisters are in a place where they seem to have come to accept each other as people, as normal erring human beings. i hated how how my dad had issues with marriage and how we (my sisters and i) were pitied because of him, how even though he is the only 'man' of the family, he was far from being one. that created a strange kind of tension and stress between his elder sisters and him, which affected how we as the younger generation could interact with them too. but 2 days back when i visited my aunt, i realised that, actually they are still siblings, just like how me and mei are siblings. and i could feel that, they themselves felt like it was a long overdued homecoming that everyone wanted but no one had done anything to make it happen. and that, amongst them, it was like, a collective sigh of relief, like a hey, we are back home together, just like the old times. i hope, as i always do, that this precious (re)connection would continue to grow stronger.

on the other side, im just happy that my aunts and uncles are not as dramatic and loud and pompous as they used to be. could be just a temporary blip, but fingers crossed. maybe because one of them was laid off recently from a very high-ranking position. the loud showy personality of his has been mellowed, or shaken off, and its like, he is finally listening and absorbing and taking in what used to be just the surroundings. maybe because 2 of my aunts are having a petty quarrel with each other, therefore taking alot of noise-generating conversations off the airspace, which is good. but also, ironically, reveals the growing estrangement between them. i dont know why they have to put on this cold war, whats the point of it? to see whose ego is bigger? and then what? i dont get adults sometimes.. and another is becoming more deaf with each day, oh and how that has impede with his quick witty lame remarks. and also taken a toll on his effervescent personality, though he is still as loud, if not louder than before.

but also because, im no longer scared to hang around my cousins. and play games and talk like a normal functioning person with them. and that has directly affects how my sis can hang around them too. if this is all too confusing, simply put, im just happy that i can be myself, when im with them. and how that is a great relief to me, how that gives me hope, for what better things are in store ahead for me, if Jesus can heal me in this area of being open with my extended family.

im grateful for how my God is blessing me in such intimate areas of my life that i never thought would be possible to heal. but He is healing and giving me so much grace to reign where i use to fail. but this is not all, until every good thing happens to me, my God is not done yet, because He loves me that much to want to see me whole, even more than i want to see myself whole.