but i hate that i hate that. because wake up and smell the coffee, nothing is going to be timeless & changeless. every thing is in a constant flux of change. your mind, feelings, family, relationships, politics, sciences, history even.
i hate changes because they tell me the 'dreams' that i have right now are uncertain. that something that once took up so much of you- your dreaming times, thoughts to incubate and keep the dream alive, your passions- can mean so little a few years down the road. i hate changes because they tell me the relationships you once held so dear, could no longer mean so much to you or the other person.
a dear dear friend of mine is leaving for greener pastures soon. it was then that i realised what a huge part of my life this friend has been, even though we dont share htht sessions, or even very much with each other. its like the supporting wall of your house, you would only notice it when its about to leave/fall. every significant milestone/step in my life was taken with this person. being in exco, planning for events, stepping down crying our eyeballs out, studying, going through the horrid jc years, relief teaching, getting into uni & the same faculty together. as much as i didnt want, larger forces in life have ordained her to be there for such a time like this. while everyone is happy for her, there was a little shadow cast over my heart, knowing someone important in my life is going to embark on the next chapter of her life, without me. maybe without coming back for a long time. :(
i'm horrible at goodbyes. i never get the closure that i want and need. i say things that contradict what i feel, i do things that are dis-synchronised with how i really feel. because i'm afraid of what will happen if i do. that is be vulnerable and honest. i still wont be, not now, not time yet.
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