and sometimes the only way out is hope. but even that gets overrated somedays. because nothing seems to go going anywhere. we are all just stuck in this place called earth with nothing to look forward to. all of us are waiting, wishing, hoping. but for what? hope? who knows if 'hope', with all its humanistic connotations, will truly prevail? what if its all just one big prank played on the human race? you never know.
some bizarre days, like today, i wish i would be able to see into the future. at least for the next month or so right? so if something bad is gonna happen, at least i can do something to avoid it. if something good happens, the surprise would be gone but at least i know hey something good is gonna happen and that would make me happy/look forward. but most significantly, its because i cant stand not knowing where i am or where i'm going. if my life had a route map/self-directed gps system, with the "you are here" sign, i wouldnt be as much of a wreck as i am. but yet, i thrive on uncertainty and the unknown sometimes. but i guess it is only in very controlled/miniscule circumstances like taking a new route when i walk home from wherever. this is another reason why the above figure of speech (or not) applies. because my mind takes a life of its own, and most of the time it decides to fight against itself.
and when this happens or show signs of happening, i will go on an escapade. momentarily. so i took a nice 4 hour walk (which is causing my ankles to be hurting like crazy right now) from my house to macritchie and back. i take occasional walks/time out for myself. or by myself , because sometimes these walks dont work too. but at least i get to take on my thoughts head on. without distractions like food, tv shows or noises. and i have an entire internal conversation alone. which gives me some cold comfort. because its the only thing that i know how to do, since i could remember. familiarity breeds comfort.
somedays i will be fine again, but this stupid inner monster would come back and haunt me again. until i kill it and take it by the roots. but i have no idea how to do that, nor do i have any explanations or answers to why these things happen.
i wanna believe that my biggest area of weakness will one day also be my greatest area of strength one day, through the lord who strengthens me especially when i am weak. but when? why must it take so long? sometimes i get so tired of waiting for god knows what or god knows who.
so while i wait for that big bang to happen, let me get back to where i was..
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