i have just read all my 2010 posts. i love this time of the year: holidays, dinners with friends and family, the chillax weather that we dont get to enjoy during the rest of the year, and just taking time to chill and relax..
i have concluded that 2010 was the Year I Grew Up. the most. in every sense of the word.
this year i have been through a number of high highs and low lows. some times were really trying: mummy getting hospitalised again, the initial period in uni life, just the whole identity and self-esteem issues i have... those were really valleys that i dont ever wish to go through again. but the times when things went back to normal, when i have the time and energy to re-calibrate and put whats impt in my life back into perspective again, were the times i really matured and grew up.
family: this year was really when i realised the importance of family and how big an influence they are on my life, whether consciously or not. i used to be rebellious (yes, me) and hate coming home as i didnt feel like there is anything worth coming home for. i never felt loved or significant at home, with all the problems that were there. but i think i reconciled those issues that were actually of myself to begin with, and family became where i could grow and just be myself. i was just frustrated that "family" wasnt how i imagined it in my head, and so afraid of talking to my relatives for fear of them judging me. but i've learnt to accept them as they are, just as how i wish for them to accept me as i am.
there were times when i realised that the beliefs and values that i anchor myself upon are actually honed and nurtured by, from or through this family i have. like what i believe a real man should be like, i actually find these traits in my uncles; how i believe i should treat money, friends, is also greatly influenced by them. of course we are not all now like gum and chummy, there is still tonnes of room for improvement but at least i've started. :)
self: sorry if this post sounds egocentric, but this year has been quite alot of self-discovering and self-accepting for me. like mentioned above and in posts earlier in the year, i started to begin to just really love and allowed to be loved. to others this may not even be an issue but i've always struggled to accept myself. i dont know where this self-torturing habit (disease) came from, but i would feel like i literally went through hell with the thoughts inside my head that told me how ugly and disgusting i am. which i believed because no one told me otherwise. or if anyone did, i refused to believe it and even hated them for mocking me. a jail that i was trapped in.. just didnt see myself as significant or beautiful.. not that i think the world of myself now, far from that. but there are days when i feel really loved, genuinely, either by friends, my sister, family support, by jesus, for who i am. :)
and coming to terms with myself and people around me is a sign of maturing right? accepting that not everything is within your control but still being happy with it.
work: i started work life in 2010 also. relief teaching, tuition, and now at g4. going out to work really accelerates the process of growing up; you're responsible for things and even lives at times. in a way i feel empowered, in a strange way, being able to make decisions and influence things in a way i could never have, especially while in beatty. but most of the time i was overwhelmed, hhaa. and also because i was afraid of making mistakes. aiyo i have alot of inner demons la, hahah. so alot of toughening up and taking more responsibilities..
church: i started serving this year also, in zone photog. still feeling my way around this. this is also another way i'm stepping out to another platform that is not my conventional self. i like to be the wallpaper in church, you know, hide one corner, pretend no one sees me, and just running away. but thank God for putting me in my caregroup now, one that i'm becoming more comfortable in and am slowly (very) opening up to.
school: i'm still sitting on the fence for this. not yet settled into nus. i take a looong time to feel comfortable so maybe its just me.. but i really thank God for giving me a
place in nus fass, where i always wanted to go. given my grades throughout my jc years, i really would not be where i am now. in fact i was so overwhelmed when i got my alevel results that i cried. tears of joy. so loser to cry over results right? but i was really really overwhelmed by the largeness of His grace. so although this sem's results are not too ideal, i believe that where i am weak, there He is strong. :) next few sems shall be good amen!
and 2010 was also the year i started opening up myself to try new things. like watching idol dramas and loving kpop! this is like the biggest shocker of 2010! hahha. my friends are shocked to know that Mui is watching all these shows. i have watched coffee prince, personal taste and you're beautiful , and boys over flowers on-going, for korean dramas and next stop happiness for taiwanese dramas. you see i had this preconception about these kpop-py lovey dovey drama shows and music that its all just fluff and no substance. apparently i believe i'm too class for these things. but NO. i didnt even know what i was missing out on maan.. but read my lips: I AM A CONVERT NOW. and loving this HALLYU WAVE! :) once you get pass the whole hallabaloo about these korean and taiwan shows/music, your cynicism gives way to admiration and respect for them. not exaggerating. some of these people really have talent. korean actors are awesome! and better looking too. waaayy better than most singaporean ones, sad to say. you have to see it to believe it. ;]
next stop happiness :)
personal taste- cute show!:)
awesome show
mr perfect! so hamsum right? gong yoo as choi han kyul :)
and i also bought my dream DSLR. love it! though it costs a bomb, its still worth it. hopefully i can go far with this. love being able to take nice photos. i stare in amazement at those pictures in nat geo, strait times sometimes, and in different blogs. still a very long to being awesome but its a journey i would patiently take. :)
and again, daring to try new things and not shutting myself in a corner feels... liberating. i guess that boldness to try is also a sign of growing up right? compared to a child who is afraid of venturing out on her own, experimenting and embracing new things makes me feel independent.
of course, all these would not be possible without His love. "Perfect love casts out all fear" this is like the best summary verse for me in 2010. and very likely 2011 too. as repeated many times here haha, i had and still have alot of irrational fears that have been with me since i could remember. that i dont know how to express or speak out to make them go away. but everytime i was in the sweet presence of the Lord during worship usually, my fears slowly dissipated. i'm not trying to sound spiritual, but there is just no other way these deep-seated unvoicable fears could have just gone away by themselves. it is definitely Jesus and His love that surpasses comprehension.
so. 2011 looks like a year of many new things to come. pastor hasnt release the word for 2011 yet, but i just feel like its gonna be even awesomer than 2010, and all the years put together. alot of loving to go around. whatever that means! haha.!
sorry this is a damn long post. heehee. and i wanna thank a few special people here..
1. Mei
i cant thank you enough for being my sis. i really would be so much of a lesser person in every way without you. thank you for being there in my darkest moments throughout my life: after the whole you-know-who fiasco in sec2, whenever mummy had a relapse and all the shit we had to go through, our family drama, when i got cheated (dont ask me about it), when i didnt believe in myself; you were always there. even though i always complain about you being troublesome, i wouldnt have it any other way. i know so many siblings who are uncomfortable or even hate each other, but thank God we have this special and unbreakable bond :)
2. glenda, phyllis, jq, aish, steph, mel, chloe, chrysan
thank you guys for being the best team i have ever worked with. i still dunno what makes us so united and just love hanging out with each other. haha! thank you for being so awesome, i know self-praise but i dont care now, at planning events and working together on something we all believe in. i love how we have this sense of camaraderie between us. and to know that this bond goes beyond our council years just makes me feel part of something special. :) love y'all!
and also specially to glenda. from working in school together and planning all the events and being in fass, taking hist and soci tgt; to just being there as someone reliable and i can trust in to tell anything to. i like dependable people and you are one! ;) and phyllis also! haha, i love our talks about relationships and boys and just htht till we dont want to go home :) thank you for letting me listen to you!
3. popo
ohman, she is like the pillar of our family. i dunno what we will all do without her. so much of what i am today is because of her upbringing. and she is the mother figure in my life, showering me with love and care where my mum couldnt. she was there when i cried my eyeballs out over him, when i just felt like staying at home because the world out there got too dark and scary for me. somedays the nagging gets too much, but i know its for my good:)
4. yi yi
thank you for being there when mummy was hospitalised. you are not one to express yourself in words, in fact actions well. but i can feel your heart is really to be there when family needs help. and thank you for going up and down almost everyday with us to visit mummy and arranging everything. the ordeal this time round was made easier with you. :)
oh! and this year i have especially many of my friends who boarded the rollercoaster ride of meeting their boy (or testing out). just wanna say good luck!:) if he is the right one, things will eventually work out. if he hasnt come yet, when the time is right, he will appear! everything is beautiful in its season.
so that wraps up 2010. all the best to everyone in whatever you're gonna do. 2011 will be the best year yet! :)
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