i have you to thank for making me so

listening to: a letter from dreamland-parking lot pimp

hello world. feels like a long time since i last blogged. quite a bit has happened too. i wouldnt say these few days were eventful, but i feel i've discovered something, though i cant put my finger on it. pardon me if i sound confused.

i feel like i have taken a closer look at myself, at a few people around me, and also at my life so far. so i had gp consultation with my teacher yesterday- which lasted for 2 hours. in that time, i think my teacher managed to change how i should approach gp, essay writing skills, practise, my other subjects,etc. she told me what were my strengths, weaknesses in terms of language and essay writing, which were spot on. but more importantly- and wonderfully- she gave me an insight into my mind. yes, the grey matter that has been sitting in my head for the past 18 years.

"your brain ah, is wired to look at things in a very complicated manner."

it was like a moment of anagnorisis, if its the appropriate word. i was quite shocked. because she was so right. ever since i could remember, i looked at life like one big maze, with endless twisting paths, not sure of an end. i knew what i wanted to do from a young age-nine, but i always see the journey beset by all sorts of challenges; obstacles too great for me to handle; not sure if i will reach the ideal end that i fantasize about.

it could be because of how i grew up, or just the old soul trapped inside, complicating even the simplest things. i saw life as difficult, burdensome, almost like a chore. but things change when i realised that it neednt have to be. how hard can it get when you've got the Author of the past, present and future living inside you? but, i still like to grapple with things or ideas or issues that were beyond me. i dont know why. the search for something larger than life perhaps. but it made my life very hard. i look like i'm "baptised in lemon juice" most of the time, quoting my pastor.

but yesterday was like, "hey, i could unclutter the mess that is in my head." why distort my perspective on things and people around me, when it actually isnt all that complicated? i feel almost liberated. it will take quite abit of unloading, and untangling, but it isnt impossible.

on a lighter (clearer) note, thank God for my midyear results. when my teacher said i cleared, meaning rank points above 50, it was like the clouds cleared. i feel so relieved. i know it is not honour roll-worthy grades. but it is my own little milestone, that i'm really happy to achieve. and it only proves that the hundred-fold blessing is coming.

there seems to an undercurrent of change happening now. again, i dont know what exactly it is. i think it is precursor activity for something pretty big. quite scared of it, to be honest. it means more stepping out the 'comfort zone'; more sharpening. it may not be pleasant, but i guess thats the way it works.

tmr's hillsong concert! pretty psyched. dont really know what to expect. my best bet? an awesome time.