work in progress

here it comes, the ugliness of the flesh, the stink of self-righteousness, the painful sharpening.

its all happening together. when pastor said that sharpening is painful, i didnt really believe his words, until right now. ohman, everything that i hate about myself, everything that gets me sad and mad, everything that stretches me and tests my limited patience, everything that is difficult, has all come together. my poor self-esteem, my insecurities, my limitations, my self-righteousness, my ego, my impatience, my incapabilities, are all showing themselves up. but it is necessary. because in order to remove the 'self' in me, i must come to the end of my 'self'. until i cry "O wretched man that i am, who can deliver me?" as Peter did, the Lord is not done with me. i know He loves me too much for me to stay the way that im now, thats why the pruning. but cant it be less painful? :(

take today. i KNOW (in my head) that my boss is just being anal about things BUT i know (in my spirit) that this is a test, a washing, a pruning away of my sense of self-righteousness and my ego, my inability to say sorry, even though it could well be my fault. and the fact that i didnt truly submit, shows that i still have a long way to go before the Lord is finish with me. dont worry people, its not like im struck with disease or whatever or im being 'punished', this is just my DaddyGod disciplining and correcting his daughter, just like any loving father would want unhealthy behaviour to be cast out of her life.

that said, im looking forward to the more well-polished and refined product after all this is done. and that product can only look more and more like the altogether lovely Jesus. which can never be lousy, of a lower standard. to be like Jesus is to be steel and velvet, meekness and majesty, strong but not overbearing, gentle but not soft.

see you New & Improved Cheryl, after this is all done..