what?

i shouldnt be here right now, oh but screw it, damn sick of reading and reading and reading. dont even know where i am going with all this.

everyday i think to myself, why am i spending so much time and energy, mindlessly following this dead routine of going to school, trying to be on top of my work which i'm lagging behind, mugging to make sure i start off this sem well, pretending like i'm in the now, trying to survive in this rat race. for what. for a better class degree? for a better job? whats a better job when i dont know what i want in the first place. or just, as with what everyone is doing, trying to be happy with life? maan, this wasnt the way i planned it to be. the picture wasnt supposed to look like that. i dunno why i'm feeling all these things and why i make them matter so much. damn it just get on with life right? but no, the brain refuses to let go. and, to make things worse, the heart feels lonely, feels like it needs genuine company, because it is seeing how almost everyone coming and going in pairs. geez. Man can make history but not control his own mind & heart.

someone please tell me this is only a phase, because it is starting to feel like shit reality.